HBO Real Time Aug. 14th

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”

- Bill Maher -

“Men are only as loyal as their options.”

- Bill Maher -

“Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics – ‘Dancing with the Stars’, and now prison, somebody must tell him: there are easier ways to have sex with men.”

- Bill Maher -

“The Pope has a Facebook page. That’s true, I’m not making that up. What’s creepy is that under the relationship status, he put ‘It’s complicated.'”

- Bill Maher -

“If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.”

- Bill Maher -

“Religion is bad, drugs are good.”

- Bill Maher -

“I don’t want my president to be a TV star. You don’t have to be on television every minute of every day – you’re the president, not a rerun of ‘Law & Order’.”

- Bill Maher -

“The plain fact is: religion must die for mankind to live.”

- Bill Maher -

“Is it just me or does Times Square look like Tokyo now?”

- Bill Maher -

“Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.'”

- Bill Maher -

“I believe in the death penalty, but with better DNA testing – my slogan is ‘Let’s Kill The right People'”

- Bill Maher -

“What do you think would happen if tomorrow Obama showed up with Kanye’s crop circles shaved into his head? Stock market would lose 5,000 pts.”

- Bill Maher -

“”Ha, we’re changing Operation Iraqi Freedom to Operation New Dawn – sounds like a Twilight movie – we’re not occupiers, we’re sexy vampires!”

- Bill Maher -

“It’s amazing, the world now has more oil than it has places to store it. Even Don Jr.’s hair is at capacity.”

- Bill Maher -

“If you think you have it tough, read history books.”

- Bill Maher -

“I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.”

- Bill Maher -

“Why can’t God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil? It’s the same reason the comic book character can’t get rid of his nemesis; then there’s no story.”

- Bill Maher -

“It seems like we have to tax something, why not rich dead people? Of all the things you could tax; they don’t have any need for the money, on account of that whole being dead thing.”

- Bill Maher -

“I don’t want my president to be a TV star. You don’t have to be on television every minute of every day – you’re the president, not a rerun of ‘Law & Order’.”

- Bill Maher -

“If you think you have it tough, read history books.”

- Bill Maher -